erratic.

You know, there are so many things that have happened in the past few months that went off the track that I planned. Last year was a tough year for me but I took it as a learning experience that will prepare and strengthen me for what 2015 had in store for me. I was excited and hopeful with 2015. I was excited to move on from the two year long, torturous IB Diploma course that I was enduring for so long, I was excited to go on adventures to rediscover the beauty in the world that I once saw at one glance, I was hopeful to meet people who would just walk into my life and fill in the gaps that has been missing for god knows how long, I was hopeful to meet someone that could make me feel a deep connection so sacred, intimate and private - something I haven't felt in a long time. But my life took a turn. It took a turn into a path that I didn't expect, a path that I deep down feel I deserve better, a path that just once again, hints at me that, I have done something awfully wrong i...

When people deem themselves as fair and impartial, I become a bit cynical to the claim because I've learnt that as humans, it's impossible for us to be fair and impartial. We all have our needs and desires, we all have ego and no matter how pious we are, we are all born with ignorance and with ignorance, arrogance surfaces.  Whenever we get into an argument or a misunderstanding with someone, the spotlight in our head immediately dims anything that will prove us wrong and shine bright on the things that prove us right, no matter how small it is. It's so easy to feel like we're in the right because no one wants to be at fault, no one wants to realize that they've made a mistake - everyone wants to believe what they want to believe. Isn't delusion such a comfortable yet dangerous thing? And the saddest part is that we are not evil people. We're just dumb and delusional and a little bit vulnerable and scared. So that when our conscience finally catches up, w...

It's easy to forget about the great things in life, when there are things shadowing like a dark mist over those great memories. Life's stupid and unfair that way, I think. We're more likely to pay more attention to negatives and overlook the overwhelming positives that's right under our nose. It's unnatural for people to laugh over the same joke but it's completely human to cry over the same thing over and over again. I baffle myself sometimes, how in one second, I can be the happiest person alive and all it takes is one grain of negativity and my mood just plummets. I wish I had a more grateful and thankful nature, I know for a fact there are so many things in my life and around me that a lot of people would like to have and I know that I am luckier than most but I still refuse to train myself to love these things because loving is hard. Hating is the easiest thing one can do, it's love that takes work. But the end of my teen hood is approaching and the...

Getting judged can be really scary, especially if it's in public and your loved ones get dragged in as well. I feel like there's a fine line between advising, judging and shaming - although these three can easily get mingled up, the effect of individual actions are groundbreaking. However, as horrible as it is, these are the things in life that everyone will and have to go through at least once in their lifetime. My first time happened at a point in my life where I understood what my emotions meant and when I cared about what other people think because I'm old enough to understand why certain things happen. I guess it wasn't really my first time, but it sure felt like it. That day, I have never felt so ashamed and shunned. I read about other people being publicly shamed and humiliated and I read from books how it feels like to be shamed and humiliated but I could never quite relate to it. That's because I never actually experienced a real shaming. You see, I hav...

Something about these streets draw your attention to the people. You look at as many people as you can, with the big and dodgy lights as backgrounds. In your car there is music, but somehow your mind pays more attention to the faint sound of the background music outside. The beat drops, foreign words are heard, lights still flashing. So many faces, so many stories behind those faces, so many walks of life walking on the same streets, so many motives, purposes, intentions, reasons. Yet as people drive past these streets, we all come up with a collective impression - low class, cheap, meaningless. Maybe it's because of the skanky looking prostitutes that linger along the whole stretch of the road, siding men of every kind; religious, miserable, rich. Maybe it's the cheap selling things that they sell at the stalls and the aggressively pushy sellers that desperately wants you to buy their stuff. But people forget to go a step deeper and wonder why these prostitutes are there...

Have you ever enjoyed things you're not supposed to enjoy? Fantasize things that would be deemed as horrendously immoral if it were projected? Went unconsciously over the line? Fill up with anger only to explode in utter regret? Move in a fury and hurt innocent people? Inflict pain on harmless souls? Lose all logic and temper? Have no control over your movements and emotions?  Please tell me you've all considered this at some point of your life.

That's why they say, think before you speak. It's not so much about the content, because without thinking, we naturally know what we're about to say. The thinking dictates how you say it. I can't tell you how many knowledge, infos, good advises I've missed out on due to the poor deliverance. If you really want to make a point, then god damn it, make sure it's a hella sharp point. Don't just say it, mould it in a way that will be received and accepted in the way you want it to be received and accepted. This isn't a case of people being manipulative or people sugercoating stuff, it is simply to deliver the message well. If you wanna be a second hand hipster and say "it's not about what others think, it's about what I think" then go ahead and OH WHILE YOU'RE AT IT have fun building squares around your neighborhood while the rest of us are building circles where people can actually join us. I am so sick and tired of thinking in hindsigh...