processing bad stuff that happened to me

what happened to me was out of my control. it could have happened to anyone, but it happened to me. is it a result of my own actions? possibly, but unlikely. 

i could say that i should have been more precautious during that time, but no one else was doing anything more than the precautions than i was taking. arguably, i was taking more precaution than your average joe. but it still happened to me. so, i can sit here and blame myself, and make me feel horrible for the kind of person i am, but that would be counterproductive, because if you go down that route, you won't come out with the intended learning. 

i definitely have learned the hard way, that we have to reprimand people, eventhough it feels bad. i have done that actually, previously, but perhaps not the full extent. i could have assessed the situation better, and acted accordingly, but i was complacent, i admit as much as that. i was complacent. i wasn't selfish, or irresponsible, i was complacent. i was in the salon, and the lady doing my hair was not adhering proper SOPs, and i was in a confined space. i should have registered that entire situation as unsafe, but i didn't. i put my guard down. and now, i know that i shouldn't. i know that each time i go out, i have to make a calculated assessment about the risk/exposure i'm putting myself in, and the likelihood of the risk occurring, plan a mitigation action, and act or don't act accordingly. 

secondly, when the matter did happen, my first instinct was to feel bad, and blame myself. i think i would not be too bothered by it if it was a temporary feeling that i was going through, but it went on for quite some time. i still lose sleep till this day, thinking about what happened, and the my unintended/indirect consequences. 

but what i learned is that, in life, bad shit will happen to you. regardless of how good of a person you are, how much you pray and how much precaution you take, bad things can happen to good people. i think we've seen this one too many times before. some people were just born in a given city or family, and that affects a lot of the things that happen in their life, good or bad. 

so, can we blame fate/universe/God for everything good and bad that happens to us? we can, but what'll happen is that we'll stay stuck in a vicious cycle of having bad things that are out of control happen to us, and feeling absolutely hopeless and powerless to try to succeed or be happy in life. 

no. 

as you've identified, to some extent, your actions did have a role in what happened. but, luck also played a role in it, a huge one if i may add, and it wasn't in your favor, this time. Sometimes bad things happen to good people because are you really a good/strong person if you weren't tested? they say people's true colors come out during the most difficult situation, where being good isn't convenient. so, how you act during bad times, is a testament to who you really are as a person. and if it turned you into someone who turns to God more, then your faith was tested, and passed. alhamdulillah if you did. 

if you took that as a call to take care of your health more, and be more mindful about your actions, then alhamdulillah. if you took it as an eye-opener to see who your true friends really are, and who are truly good people who care about you in your life, then alhamdulillah. if this incident truly made you learn the hard way, that you really have yourself to count on, then alhamdulillah. 

if you really think about what happened, nothing bad actually happened to you. it was just a wake up call to make you truly see your life for what it is, and the people around you, for who they are. 

in a way, God is answering your prayers to make you a better woman. to make you really focus on you, and what's best for you. financially, you have to learn to stand on your own feet, because sometimes work life is not certain, and you cannot solely put your reliance on it. diversify and grow. 

in terms of what makes you happy, you should just do and post whatever you've always wanted and let go of the fear of judgement because the people's judgement who you care about, and are stopping you from doing what makes you happy, they don't matter. if you keep withholding yourself from what makes you happy, these people are just going to go about their day, and live their life. if you do what makes you happy, and they talk about you, then be it. it shouldn't affect your life because they don't pay your bills, they don't provide you anything you need. live your life for you. 

i know your soul has always been conflicted about who she is babe. i know. and it's torturous that you keep figuring things out, only to jump into another mess of a confusion. as you're writing this, you still don't know what you are, really. still figuring it out, huh? it's okay. what i can say is, what gives you peace, do it. what makes you feel like a phony, drop it. i hope you consistently hold on to this, and that it will lead you to a clearer place in life.