erratic.

what happened to me was out of my control. it could have happened to anyone, but it happened to me. is it a result of my own actions? possibly, but unlikely.  i could say that i should have been more precautious during that time, but no one else was doing anything more than the precautions than i was taking. arguably, i was taking more precaution than your average joe. but it still happened to me. so, i can sit here and blame myself, and make me feel horrible for the kind of person i am, but that would be counterproductive, because if you go down that route, you won't come out with the intended learning.  i definitely have learned the hard way, that we have to reprimand people, eventhough it feels bad. i have done that actually, previously, but perhaps not the full extent. i could have assessed the situation better, and acted accordingly, but i was complacent, i admit as much as that. i was complacent. i wasn't selfish, or irresponsible, i was complacent. i was in the salon, a...

Hello folx and friends! It's been a while since my last post, and reading back, that was when I was still a student - and boy has lots changed. The past 3-4 months of my life has been the most uncertain and confusing moments of my life, but I'm glad that things are starting to look up now. Just in time... for 2020. First things first, I officially completed my degree in chem eng! Woohoo. Thinking back to when I first started, I had so many doubts in myself. But I was lucky to have been surrounded by supportive and ambitious people who push me and motivate me to not let my doubts get the best of me. Fast forward to my third year of university, I transferred to Australia! That transition in itself had such a big role in my life and its outcomes, and regardless of the bad days, I am so grateful for the experience it has taught me, and the woman it's made me today. A little about my life in Australia; I had my most severe depression episode while I was there - my counse...

Everyone always talks about how liberating it feels to walk out of a bad relationship, how much better your life is once you cut someone toxic out of your life -- and almost everytime when we read stories like this, we can't help but relate to their perspective, and seek comfort in it -- seek comfort in the belief that we were the ones who got hurt, we are the ones who's lives will get better, and we are the one who tried to make the relationship work.  Then one day, once you get tired of living a lie and playing the victim card, you slowly start to realize your flaws, one by one. And you start to remember how you let your flaws get the best of you back then -- how you let your flaws defined you as a person, and served as an excuse for the mistakes you did in the relationship. You start to realize your role in the shit storm that happened, and how you could've made things better, how you could've avoided so much pain from happening to yourself, and others, and how to...

There's just something about being in your 20s that just warrants one of two - destruction or growth. I don't know if it's just me but people everywhere have somewhat drummed it into themselves and myself, that our 20s will determine how the rest of our lives are gonna play out. if that's objectively true, then you have to admit, that's a mortifying reality. for many, being in their 20s may be the first time they have to be away from their family; their main guidance and support system. for many, being in their 20s mean they have no option but to live independently on their own two feet. for many, being in their 20s mean they have unprecedented freedom. with that much novelty in freedom and independence - these are the times we are bound to make the most mistakes. and for people to tell me that some of these mistakes may cost me my future - that's terrifying. maybe this is just an asian mentality thing but whatever degree of truth this perception holds, all we c...

I'm 20 but I still believe in the whole novelty of a new year - as if a change of date on the calendar means anything significant. I still believe that entering a new year means we bid goodbye to the past year and everything that comes with it - the sweet memories, the bitter heartaches, the successes, the failures, the gains and the losses. But deep down we all know that's untrue. No matter how bad your year has been, a new year won't erase the awful year from your life. Whatever happened or didn't happen to you will contribute to defining your life and ultimately defining you. The point where I started to try to understand the concept of time was back in 2013, a year when I started to see 'time' in people and 'time' in places. When I would reset my goals and my outlook at the beginning of every year, lose hope in the middle and try to make the most of what is left of the year towards the end. I feel like this is how adults, *young* adults, for a ma...

This complex world that we live in, our essence are assigned to a spectrum, there's the extroverted, there's the introverted they become different people along the way, but they are always reverted Never leave the house without momma, or else the bad guys will getcha, never trust a man except your poppa, because all men are bad, he told ya. Their body lived under one same roof, their minds lived in a big digital spoof, these precious minds we fooled into believing, what's behind the screen is reality livin', but the screen's reality is multifaceted boo, so which reality are you gonna do? now you're in your 20s, soul searchin', you were so many things, and now you are reduced but refined empty but plenty lost but found the personalities that you have worn all this while, is like a cheap pair of shoes you buy em because you think they look good on you, you buy em cheap because you're not equipped or ready for a big investment, b...

They say wisdom begins when you start defining terms. I realize that I have a million things on my mind and I mildly address each issue, like spreading butter on bread, that I don’t get anything resolved. At the core of my emotional distress and mental let down, I believe that there is a knot to be untangled. And for that to happen, I have to work meticulously, thread by thread, with patience and commitment to get that simple, straight, usable thread. By thread I mean state of mind. So, let’s start with what life, at least my life, revolves around  - passion and career. I watched movies of people trying to find themselves and find their passion and as a kid, never have I once asked myself, “What is MY passion and who am I, really?” As I grew up, I realized that to get through life, you have to find your strength and know them like the back of your hand. Your strength is the only super power you have, and we all need superpowers, it’s an essential necessity. Hence, I begin to embar...

You know, there are so many things that have happened in the past few months that went off the track that I planned. Last year was a tough year for me but I took it as a learning experience that will prepare and strengthen me for what 2015 had in store for me. I was excited and hopeful with 2015. I was excited to move on from the two year long, torturous IB Diploma course that I was enduring for so long, I was excited to go on adventures to rediscover the beauty in the world that I once saw at one glance, I was hopeful to meet people who would just walk into my life and fill in the gaps that has been missing for god knows how long, I was hopeful to meet someone that could make me feel a deep connection so sacred, intimate and private - something I haven't felt in a long time. But my life took a turn. It took a turn into a path that I didn't expect, a path that I deep down feel I deserve better, a path that just once again, hints at me that, I have done something awfully wrong i...

When people deem themselves as fair and impartial, I become a bit cynical to the claim because I've learnt that as humans, it's impossible for us to be fair and impartial. We all have our needs and desires, we all have ego and no matter how pious we are, we are all born with ignorance and with ignorance, arrogance surfaces.  Whenever we get into an argument or a misunderstanding with someone, the spotlight in our head immediately dims anything that will prove us wrong and shine bright on the things that prove us right, no matter how small it is. It's so easy to feel like we're in the right because no one wants to be at fault, no one wants to realize that they've made a mistake - everyone wants to believe what they want to believe. Isn't delusion such a comfortable yet dangerous thing? And the saddest part is that we are not evil people. We're just dumb and delusional and a little bit vulnerable and scared. So that when our conscience finally catches up, w...

It's easy to forget about the great things in life, when there are things shadowing like a dark mist over those great memories. Life's stupid and unfair that way, I think. We're more likely to pay more attention to negatives and overlook the overwhelming positives that's right under our nose. It's unnatural for people to laugh over the same joke but it's completely human to cry over the same thing over and over again. I baffle myself sometimes, how in one second, I can be the happiest person alive and all it takes is one grain of negativity and my mood just plummets. I wish I had a more grateful and thankful nature, I know for a fact there are so many things in my life and around me that a lot of people would like to have and I know that I am luckier than most but I still refuse to train myself to love these things because loving is hard. Hating is the easiest thing one can do, it's love that takes work. But the end of my teen hood is approaching and the...

Getting judged can be really scary, especially if it's in public and your loved ones get dragged in as well. I feel like there's a fine line between advising, judging and shaming - although these three can easily get mingled up, the effect of individual actions are groundbreaking. However, as horrible as it is, these are the things in life that everyone will and have to go through at least once in their lifetime. My first time happened at a point in my life where I understood what my emotions meant and when I cared about what other people think because I'm old enough to understand why certain things happen. I guess it wasn't really my first time, but it sure felt like it. That day, I have never felt so ashamed and shunned. I read about other people being publicly shamed and humiliated and I read from books how it feels like to be shamed and humiliated but I could never quite relate to it. That's because I never actually experienced a real shaming. You see, I hav...

Something about these streets draw your attention to the people. You look at as many people as you can, with the big and dodgy lights as backgrounds. In your car there is music, but somehow your mind pays more attention to the faint sound of the background music outside. The beat drops, foreign words are heard, lights still flashing. So many faces, so many stories behind those faces, so many walks of life walking on the same streets, so many motives, purposes, intentions, reasons. Yet as people drive past these streets, we all come up with a collective impression - low class, cheap, meaningless. Maybe it's because of the skanky looking prostitutes that linger along the whole stretch of the road, siding men of every kind; religious, miserable, rich. Maybe it's the cheap selling things that they sell at the stalls and the aggressively pushy sellers that desperately wants you to buy their stuff. But people forget to go a step deeper and wonder why these prostitutes are there...

Have you ever enjoyed things you're not supposed to enjoy? Fantasize things that would be deemed as horrendously immoral if it were projected? Went unconsciously over the line? Fill up with anger only to explode in utter regret? Move in a fury and hurt innocent people? Inflict pain on harmless souls? Lose all logic and temper? Have no control over your movements and emotions?  Please tell me you've all considered this at some point of your life.

That's why they say, think before you speak. It's not so much about the content, because without thinking, we naturally know what we're about to say. The thinking dictates how you say it. I can't tell you how many knowledge, infos, good advises I've missed out on due to the poor deliverance. If you really want to make a point, then god damn it, make sure it's a hella sharp point. Don't just say it, mould it in a way that will be received and accepted in the way you want it to be received and accepted. This isn't a case of people being manipulative or people sugercoating stuff, it is simply to deliver the message well. If you wanna be a second hand hipster and say "it's not about what others think, it's about what I think" then go ahead and OH WHILE YOU'RE AT IT have fun building squares around your neighborhood while the rest of us are building circles where people can actually join us. I am so sick and tired of thinking in hindsigh...

She is luckier than most, but she deems to be the saddest. She tells people to be grateful of what they have, because she doesn't know what it feels to lose. Out of nowhere her heart darkens, all the light is dimmed. There is happiness in her heart, but it seems to stay in the past. What was good once in her life didn't live on, So she wondered why bother seeking any good in life only to end up where she started. For some people, walls were closing in. For her, walls were growing further and further away. Day by day, she is left with a bigger space than before. Empty, yet desperate space. She wonders what she should do with this space. To fill it; but with what? Anticipation? Events? People? Circulating around this question, she fell dizzy, and fell to the cold hard ground. And then she felt a familiar pain. The cold hard ground. She felt this pain before. It drew her in, so she stayed stuck to it. Then as the coldness started to permeate her soul, Her soul wa...

I have always been a sucker for either fashion or "pretty" things. When I was younger, I thought I will sooner or later go through that phase where my intuition is able to guide me to dressing up fashionably or with some edginess - but I'm seventeen and I still dress up like a moth when most people my age are dolled up like a butterfly. It's unfair to say that I have no tried, I have. Sometimes I try to mix and match what I already have in my closet but that doesn't seem to work out. Sometimes I try to play with some accessories but I either look too simple or simply over the top. And when I shop, I try to buy a head-to-toe outfit and mentally pair it up with my other clothing that I already have but nothing ever seems to hang quite right on me. I begin to think about this even more frequent now that I watch "How do I look" - a realty tv show about setting people up for a fashion intervention. What influenced me the most is that mini heart changing spe...

Hats off to Ryan Murphy for such a heart felt episode. Also a huge round of applause to all the outstanding actors on glee, especially Santana, Puck, Finn's parents and of course, his other half, Rachel. I can't tell you how long I've been anticipating for this episode. I've been waiting for that closure, that "proper" farewell to Finn. In light of Finn, that was definitely one of the best episodes in history of Glee. I was particularly blown away by Santana's acting which didn't really come across as acting because it was incredibly real and her emotions really came through in the scene with her and Sue. What really got me was also Mr Schue and his shell cracking up, letting his emotions gush out on Finn's sweater. I mean.. how can I not cry along side him? I picked up a few quotes from this episode that's ingrained in my head for some reason; "Do you really wanna be on your deathbed thinking, ooh thank god no one knew I was kind...

I always try and keep a positive outlook on things, sometimes my optimism is ridiculous. I always believe that there's a solution for everything and nothing's a dead end, everything will be okay in the end. Well you know what, my eyes are getting wider and more things are starting to sink in in me. Sometimes you will face a situation that won't offer you a way out but there's an alternative to it - you gotta shake it out. Hug it out. shout it out. do whatever the hell you want to just leave the matter there, unresolved. If there is a solution for it, sure, go for it. but i realize that the best thing to do when you can't really think of a way to, for example, win back your lover, make up with your friend, mend your broken heart and whatsoever, is to just leave it at that and like, idk, just stop thinking about it really??? this sounds very impractical, it probably is but I'm just sharing what I've learned from past experience that "hardwork", or ...

No worries, my title has no link what so ever to my emotions, my thoughts or this post in general. It's just my current favorite song and the chorus keeps repeating "she's not me" in the most beautiful way possible so it's stuck in my head, hence the title. I haven't written in so long and the mood to write just struck me eventhough nothing bizarre is going on in my life right now. I just have a few thoughts here and there, some that I harbored over the past few weeks. These things generally revolve around the issue of insecure girls. I just cannot. The word "insecure" has been overused so many times by so many girls that many are getting the smallest things mistaken with "insecurity". I mean yes insecurity is a normal feeling and I'd be lying to you if I said I've never been insecure, of course I have but really tho, how long are you gonna feel sorry for yourself? How long are you gonna yearn for someone else's beauty and co...

As corny as it seems, I have to confess, I'm a huge huge fan of quotes. I love them. Whenever i see one that hits me and flashes a memory in my head, I just fall in love with quotes even more. Most of them dont necessarily help me get through anything in particular or make me a better person or anything but for the most part, quotes in general help put things, put life, in perspective. Here are some of my favorite ones: "In the end, everything's gonna be okay. If it's not okay, then it's not the end"  I dont know about you guys but some people, like me, we have constant worries that goes on for years. That one worry about the unpredictable and unknown future burdens our thought every single day. It's fair to say that these negative worries are what define me, at times. But nonetheless, when this quote rings in my head, I feel somewhat relieved to know that the best is yet to come.  "Never regret. If it's good, then great. If it's bad, the...