It's easy to forget about the great things in life, when there are things shadowing like a dark mist over those great memories. Life's stupid and unfair that way, I think. We're more likely to pay more attention to negatives and overlook the overwhelming positives that's right under our nose. It's unnatural for people to laugh over the same joke but it's completely human to cry over the same thing over and over again.
I baffle myself sometimes, how in one second, I can be the happiest person alive and all it takes is one grain of negativity and my mood just plummets. I wish I had a more grateful and thankful nature, I know for a fact there are so many things in my life and around me that a lot of people would like to have and I know that I am luckier than most but I still refuse to train myself to love these things because loving is hard. Hating is the easiest thing one can do, it's love that takes work.
But the end of my teen hood is approaching and the fact that I am rushing through it and being weak about handling my obstacles, that just doesn't sound like the best way to bid goodbye to my teen years.
I have spent years being apathetic, as an attempt to combat my issues in life. I thought emotions are a burden and if I can master the art of numbing it, that would resolve half my life's issues. But if there's one thing I learned over the years, it's that, apathy is hella stupid. There is nothing cool about suppressing the natural flow of emotions in hopes that it will stop coming back. We're only human, emotions are not meant to be ignored and faked, if they're there, embrace them, express them, share them, manage them or get them sorted out.
I am not a natural at writing, I am not a poetic person but writing is a way to either make me let go and forget or hold on and remember. This is me trying to do both. I am trying to let go of these voices in my head and pour it out into actual words, as straightening the knots of words in head helps me move on to other thoughts. At the same time, this is me holding on to my attempt at progress - I've been attempting to progress for quite a while now, but I guess when it comes to progress, we are just really hard on ourselves. I will remember this struggle, the struggle to love and appreciate. One day, I may look back on these words that I've written and hopefully read this with a heart that is soft to love and appreciate.