They say wisdom begins when you start defining terms. I realize that I have a million things on my mind and I mildly address each issue, like spreading butter on bread, that I don’t get anything resolved. At the core of my emotional distress and mental let down, I believe that there is a knot to be untangled. And for that to happen, I have to work meticulously, thread by thread, with patience and commitment to get that simple, straight, usable thread. By thread I mean state of mind. So, let’s start with what life, at least my life, revolves around - passion and career. I watched movies of people trying to find themselves and find their passion and as a kid, never have I once asked myself, “What is MY passion and who am I, really?” As I grew up, I realized that to get through life, you have to find your strength and know them like the back of your hand. Your strength is the only super power you have, and we all need superpowers, it’s an essential necessity. Hence, I begin to embark and disembark on a journey of self-discovery, persistently yet not consistently trying to discover my passion and ultimately myself. My passion changes often, due to who I surround myself with, the type of circumstances I’m under, the predicament I’m facing – it has never been one solid thing that I put my heart and soul into pursuing it. But I think I am slowly coming to terms with it. I have glimpses of it here and there and I need to pen it out, so I can focus my thoughts and my action into defining my passion, loud and clear for me.
So, whenever I day dream about my ideal life, I would always picture myself dominating the cigarette industry, but with a beneficial twist. I envisioned myself carrying out intensive research and experiment to design and innovate cigarettes that are medicinal and good for you. I know medicinal cigarettes already exist but alongside that, I also wanted to create cigarettes that can be used by commonfolk as a serious competitor and substitute for the mainstream cigarettes that we have at present day. With my lack of knowledge in the science of these “healthy” cigarettes, I daydreamed about what the benefits could be and how it would look like. It would have a variety of designs, from the classic black and gold, to white and silver, to funky pink and white. They would have flavors and they would have herbs that are good for the body. This dream of mine isn’t baseless dreaming, it emerged from a personal reason, that reason being my grandfather suffering from lung cancer because of it and my brother having burdensome health issues that affected his life, because of it. Besides cigarettes, I have always dreamt of either working for a big cosmetic franchise like body shop or owning my own, that provides all types of beauty cares that not only addresses the environmental and health concerns that present day cosmetics brings, but also target the muslim women market segment. What I had in mind were, obviously, the already existing halal nailpolish, wudhu –friendly eye make up and so on and so forth. Obviously for now, this is all talk and talk only. I am still open for alterations to my dream but for years now, I have always daydreamed about achieving those goals. They are specific, and maybe too dreamy for a 19 year old who hasn’t even started her degree, but every passion starts with a dream, no matter how unrealistic it is. I’ll get there, insyaAllah.
On the other hand, something more realistic is my sheer joy in helping people. Especially the needy. I guess I owe my deep craving to help the less fortunate to the Islamic teachings that I have received from my parents. Having lived in Thailand for 4 years, I have seen my fair share of poverty, hunger and misfortunes and it’s enough to plant this perpetual desire to end what I am seeing. Hunger is such a horrible feeling, I get reminded of how dire it can get especially during Ramadan. But, Ramadan is essentially done out of choice – it saddens me that some people literally have no choice but to suffer every second of hunger. I’ve always wanted to create a home for these homeless people, where they can contribute to the society and harvest returns from their productive efforts, and those returns can help them create a living for them and their family. I am probably oversimplifying this but I have always had a soft spot for the homeless. Another soft spot I have is for the orphans. I would love to be able provide them with complete education and a chance for them to reach their maximum potential. I cannot imagine living a life without my parents, especially after they have raised me for so long. It’s honestly a life that I don’t even have the heart to imagine. Counseling and using psychology to help people is similar to what I said above and is a job I can imagine myself loving and enjoying. And excelling, to be honest.
Last but not least, this is probably the biggest and most baseless dream I have, that is to be a part of some kind of genetic engineering. Haven’t figured out what I’d like to alter and experiment with tho but it is honestly one of the coolest thing science can do, in my opinion.
So yes, those are the generic things I’d like to achieve and what I like now, such as reading, psychology, charity and what I am pursuing in university, chemical engineering, will hopefully somehow allow things to fall in their respective and right place.